TiVo that.

Conan's back.

That's right - the same red-haired man who lost his spot on network television nine months ago has given birth to a new sort of the same thing: "Conan" on TBS.

It's on right now. Spoiler alert: Tom Hanks just got soaked.

Frankly, I'm more of a Letterman fan. I appreciate his humor more. But the upshot of Mr. O'Brien's popularity caught my attention. The first show I watched of his was also his last. Hanks deemed O'Brien "Coco" and, well, it stuck. I've been trying to win a free "Conan" t-shirt for the past several days and they have run out before I got the code off Twitter every time.

I thought it was cool. There were elements of humor, drama, and a tragic romance an audience has with its entertainer. I guess you could classify this as a happy ending...ish. Here's a quote I found from him:

"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

In other words, I succumbed to the popularity theory.

Don't we do this all the time? We get hooked on the story of the day. Whether it's in entertainment, or a real life tragedy-turned-success-story, or a triumph like the Chilean miners rescue, our conversational currency is worth more when we actually know what's going on in the world.

So in the mix of quotes from The Office, discussions about who got let off Project Runway, and by golly, the weather, of all things - how often do we insert the Maker of the universe into our conversations?

Not enough on my part.

I'm guilty. I'm finding that prayer throughout the day helps put my focus on what God wants me to pursue. It isn't bad to watch television or listen to music or get the scoop on the latest, but I'm leaning toward putting more emphasis on finding out "the latest" relationally, as in with other actual human beings who I know.

I may not host a talk show. Granted, I can hardly host myself for a day. But goodness, wouldn't it be nice to strike up a meaningful conversation once in awhile?

Things I find myself talking about:

1. Work
2. Music
3. TV shows
4. News
5. Food
6. Movies
7. Ideas
8. God
9. Events
10. Material items

"I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly." - Psalm 40:10

If it ain't fixed, break it.

Whenever I think about hammers, a random song pops into my head that we learned for some reason in show choir in sixth grade. I have honestly never heard this song outside of that context, but several years later it haunts me on occasion. These are the words I remember:

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning
I'd hammer in the evening - all over this land

I'd hammer out danger, I'd hammer out warning

I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters

All over this land

Whatever that means.

That near last line gets me: "I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters." Although I'm not sure what kind of love Peter, Paul and Mary are referring to - whether it's the love that's all we need that the Beatles sing about or the love that's a drug that Ke$ha is so hung up on - I have this visual of destruction in my head.

To me, hammers can help build things. Take a nail, hit it on the head with a hammer, and just like that, you can have two somethings put together. But hammers can also tear things apart. You hit the wrong spot and there's a dent. The other end of the hammer can be used as a fulcrum to dismantle things. Plus, it would really hurt if you got hit in the head or thumb or foot...actually, any sort of contact with a forceful hammer would not feel very nice and leave quite the mark. 

In the situations that I find myself in, often a lot of them are reruns: the same people making the same mistakes, myself messing up in the same ways, history repeating itself. I know I can speak for myself when I say that a lot of times, in order to be better, I have to be broken first. Patching up things temporarily, granted, works temporarily, but in the long run it's just a weak foundation for whatever it is I'm trying to build.

Love is difficult like that. In order to change anything, something must be taken apart. Broken. Our Savior was broken, quite literally for Pete's sake and yours and mine. It was the only way to change the cycle we put ourselves in. To be better we have to rid our lives of the things that will make us fall:

"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." - John 15:2

So to me, to "hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters" kind of means to see what isn't fixed. If relationships aren't fixed, maybe they need to be broken and put back together the right way. 

These are some things that I have broken over the years without any intention, motive, reasoning or purpose:

1. Sunglasses
2. Hair barrettes
3. G2 pens
4. CD players (these really get to be something that your parents want to stop buying you for Christmas after, oh, the third or fourth year in a row)
5. My CD of Franz Ferdinand's You Could Have It So Much Better (again, the CD player's fault)
6. Cell phones
7. Lids of shampoo containers
8. Binders
9. Hair straighteners
10. My camera

I may need to be broken myself.

Planning behind

Sometimes, things don't go the way you planned them.

Yesterday, Homecoming week finally wrapped up and the music ministry group that I am a part of took a trip to play at a church service five hours away this weekend.

We left yesterday afternoon and returned early this evening. It was a great trip; us five girls got to bond together, we played our music, and shared some great stories. But I'll be honest: I didn't want to go on this trip.

I know what you're thinking: party pooper.

It's not that I didn't want to spend time with these ladies. They're fantastic and we're all unique and have different things to bring to the table. When it comes down to it, this trip just wasn't something that I wanted to add to my crazily scheduled week that is, thankfully, now behind me.

I'm not complaining here; the week ended up being great and pretty fun. I just hate the fact that I secretly (and sometimes not-so-secretly) dreaded it so much.

I planned on not looking forward to much of anything.

I, as a human being, plan. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love organization. Give me a planner (I'll take another just so I can fill it out), an Outlook calendar, an agenda to create, a fresh pack of G2 pens (which I just bought, actually) and I'll get this tingly feeling inside. I like to know what I'm doing and when, and then find out when I can squeeze whatever else into my schedule. But occasionally, what I think is going to happen and what I expect ends up being quite different in comparison to my original idea.

Here are some things that didn't go according to plan within the last week:

1. We didn't get the amount of space we requested for our Tailgate Party. Decisions had to be made on the fly in order to maximize the potential of the space we ended up with. What happened? It worked out fine.
2. We ended up cutting out a part of an event that was supposed to follow the pillow fight. What happened? We didn't have to clean up peanut butter-slathered people covered in feathers. Oh, and we can return the unopened peanut butter jars to the store. Refund!
3. We didn't have a soccer field where we could have intramural soccer. What happened? We moved it indoors after intramural basketball.
4. I stayed up later than I intended to a few nights this week.
5. The D-Now retreat at my church that I have been helping plan for the past, oh, long time got cancelled today. What happened? I'm sad and disappointed that not enough students signed up, but I know God has a reason behind it.
6. We had to cut a few of our songs short during the service today and create endings where we don't usually have them. What happened? We played less. No biggie. 
7. We left some of our equipment at school that we needed for the service, hygiene, and to avoid breaking the law. What happened? We made do with what we had and found substitutes for the things we still needed - and bought a new adapter for the trailer lights.
8. I had to rush to get some tasks done when I thought other people had them covered. What happened? I rushed to get some tasks done and everything went fine and I considered the extra work an excuse for coffee.
9. I forgot to eat several times this week. What happened? I felt pretty awful actually. I need to work on this.
10. I got stressed out a lot about what ended up to not be much at all. What happened? Well...I need to work on this, too. I am silly and worry about pretty much everything.

On my way driving back out to school yesterday, the song "Whatever" by Steven Curtis Chapman came up on shuffle on my iPod. This is an older song and it used to be one of my favorites to listen to. Right now, considering all of the things that I am trying to plan ahead for, like internship plans, what to do this summer, trips, saving money, career opportunities, LIFE - this song came at me in a new way. Highlights:

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z

Of all the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan - it seemed to make good sense
I spelled it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense

But then I read the letter that You sent me
You said that all You really want from me is just
Whatever, whatever You say

Whatever - I will obey

Whatever - Lord, have Your way
'Cause You are my God - whatever

So strike a match, set fire to the list

Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas

I want to do Your will no matter what it is

Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do

Whatever, whatever You say...

Yeah. I basically do that all the time - try to plan out what God wants me to do. Granted, sometimes it's big things and sometimes it's small things, but God has a way of shaking everything up, big and small. His ideas are always better than mine anyway. Why can't I just give it up? 

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'" - James 4:13-15

I will still have my planner and my to-do lists. I will still try to keep track of everything. But God sees the big picture in all of it - I should be able to trust him with that and enjoy (not dread) what he has in store for the ride.

And I'm feelin' good

I feel so light-hearted right now. I love it.

It's been a crazy busy week and it isn't over yet, but I feel so relieved right now. I think it's because I put on my rose-colored glasses.

Metaphorically speaking, I mean.

Here's another good-day list of good things:

1. I got to announce the winners of the spirit contest we held at school for Homecoming this week during our Chapel service today. It was fun to say that I appreciated them and that all the participants did a great job. I love encouraging people and a lot of times I don't take the time to do it. 
2. All of my homework is done for the week and that's just really nice.
3. The temperature dropped like, 20 degrees. I get excited about the cold.
4. I got to come home and see my family and puppy for a little bit before heading up to church to give a presentation to the high school youth group.
5. I think my presentation went really well. I felt more comfortable and it seemed like at least some of them listened to me.
6. I went to Starbucks today. Twice. Within a two-hour time frame. And got the same thing both times (soy no water chai with two pumps of cinnamon dolce) and they made it correctly and it was delicious and I want more.
7. My professor said that she's seen me grow to be better a lot over the past year and, well, that's good to hear.
8. One of the students in the youth group just sent me a message on Facebook and said that I did a good job talking tonight. I did talk a lot...
9. I got to see my boyfriend who I didn't think I would get to see for awhile. I helped him prepare for an interview tomorrow. I'm excited for him. I like being excited for people. 
10. When I arrived back to my dorm room, not too long ago actually, I opened the door and saw a pretty envelope on the ground with my name on it in glittery sticker letters. I opened the envelope and inside was a gift card to our campus coffee house and a card that said "Be Blessed" in more glittery sticker letters. And you know what? I am blessed. It caught me off guard and I really want to thank whoever did this. 

I am spoiled. To me there is spoiled and then there is spoiled. I am spoiled in the fact that I have everything I ever need and then some. God has given me so many things and so many experiences that I would never have thought I would want. I wouldn't trade any of it, not even my mistakes and mishaps, because then I wouldn't be where I am right now.

My friend told me today that I don't accept compliments very well. She was joking, but only a little. I don't know what to say in response. I do this thing where I say "Thank you" and then put my head down and scurry away. Yes, scurry. I am intentionally awkward to avoid awkwardness.

It makes sense to me.

When it comes to being blessed, I am learning to be more useful with my blessings. Those talents I have that I have a hard time accepting at times? I'm trying to be outgoing with them and use them in a way that brings glory to God instead of worrying about "rejection" and what other people think so much. As long as God thinks highly, I should be okay with that.

I've learned that being thankful sometimes entails more than just saying "I'm thankful" and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Being thankful requires some action, too, I think. If I say I'm thankful for the gift to draw but never draw, what good is that?

So, yes, I am thankful. You, person who left this envelope under my door, have encouraged me. I want to encourage people more because I like doing it. It certainly can't hurt, can it?

Half-note, half-note, whole rest

In my silly little brain, I've drawn a fine line between laziness and resting.

That was dumb.

Anytime I rest, whether it is a nap or watching an episode of "The Big Bang Theory" on DVD, or just sitting somewhere for crying out loud, I have this mental glitch that tells me that I am being lazy and unproductive. No matter how much I enjoy this time of rest, this underlying guilty vibe comes back to say, "And what did you accomplish in the past 20 minutes? Hmm?"

Yes, I do this to myself. I stress myself out, make myself anxious about silly things, and worry that someone is going to think less of me if I am found reading Sherlock Holmes instead of the theology books I should be reading for class. In fact, I have this spoken rule ("spoken" only because I have, in fact, said it out loud several times) that I will not read for leisure unless I have finished all the reading I need to have completed for class.

It's lame.

So here I am, taking a break from homework after another long day, awake much later than I would like to be. I feel bad that I took a nap earlier - but boy, did I need that.

Again, I believe this task-oriented, time-restricted mindset I've developed essentially controls me. It determines when I sleep, when I do work, when I eat, when I can watch TV, when I can do this or that. And I find myself constantly looking for that next time when I can just rest.

I am one of those people who never stops until it's all finished. I don't procrastinate - sometimes things get pushed back, but only because more things have taken the place of those things. Time must be spared and made the most of! I am a woman of to-do lists, agendas, planners, and routine.

Oh, and a woman of God. Yeah, that too.

So I took a nap earlier. Judge me. I'm still working on homework. Call me lazy. The fact is, I need to learn not to care. God wants us to rest every once in awhile! He spent six days creating oh, you know, the universe and took an entire day to rest. He commands us to observe the Sabbath, whatever that means anymore (sarcasm sign - that's for all you BBT fans out there) and what do we do? We work harder.

If we can find joy in a time of rest, and I mean legit joy, this is good. I daresay more of us find ourselves too infatuated with doing to seek the full enjoyment of not doing.

"He says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'" - Psalm 46:10

He's got it covered. He's got our high notes and low notes; the melodies when we sing alone and the harmonies when we sing together; but for Pete's sake, rest every once in awhile. If everyone played at the same time, the music would be flat and loud and dull. I need to work on letting God fill in instead of trying to do it all myself.

Things I like doing in that precious thing called "spare time":

1. Drawing
2. Watching TV or a movie
3. Sleeping
4. Writing
5. Looking at photos
6. Reading
7. Listening to music
8. Playing Wii
9. Playing music
10. Pondering

Light as a feather

The craziest scheduled day of Homecoming week was today. There were events that practically filled the entire day I needed to be at, on top of, you know, actual classes.

Because I'm paying money to take classes here, I mean.

Being a part of planning and executing events is a lot of work. This is no surprise to me; I've been doing this to some extent for a long time. But in most ways, today was easier than I thought it was going to be.

There were certainly some frustrations. There was certainly some confusion. There was certainly some problem-solving. To me, though, it all comes down to the outcome.

One of our events was a pillow fight. Yes, a pillow fight with feather-filled pillows with college kids. I watched, and honestly, it was fun to watch (even though there was no real winner). It was our last event of this crazy day and we were graciously granted the glorious task of clean-up.

All. Those. Feathers.

This is a photo of the Beatles. Look at them. Look what fun they're having. Look how clean it is.

Do you see any feathers in this picture? I don't.

Tonight, there were feathers absolutely everywhere. They coated the tarp over the gym floor that participants used as a playing field, they were strewn up the stairs, they were in my shoes and up my nose.

But at the end of it all, one of the people who had been involved in the events all day came up to me and said that he had had a great time. He was exhausted (and not surprisingly) but he had a lot of fun.

That was good enough for me.

As long of a day as it was, as much as I could have let get to me, I found joy today. I am at peace right now. God is so good and has surrounded me with people who are in the same boat as me. My professor referenced a verse today that I thought of differently:

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." - Proverbs 27:17

We have each other to rely on, to get mad at, to laugh with, to share feelings with - to be a part of each other's lives. We can learn from each other and grow and comfort one another. I relied on God today to get me through the busyness and I found joy in the people surrounding me.

There will always be fights and feathers to pick up afterward, but when it comes to learning from it and finding joy in the end - I'm game.

Enjoyable things about today:

1. Free coffee drinks
2. Chilly weather
3. Sunshine
4. My night class 
5. People enjoying things I was originally worried people wouldn't enjoy
6. Enthusiasm
7. Downtime, even if it is really late
8. Peaches and cream oatmeal, even if it is the only thing I have really eaten today
9. A professor's humorous sarcasm
10. Reminders from Scripture

Being fruity

Fruit is yummy. It is delicious, sweet, good for you, juicy and pretty. I'm glad Paul picked it (pun intended) to use as an illustration of what the Spirit should look like at work in our lives.

As I mentioned yesterday, fruit is necessary. Those vitamins don't come in French fries and hamburgers or tacos and Chinese food.

That's quite a disgusting combination, actually.

Just eating one orange made me feel better. And it was because I hadn't had one in a long time. It's easy to settle for the "junk food" of our life - whatever we can grab, whatever is quick, whatever we can shove down our throats as fast as we can. Food, I mean. But this metaphor applies to the "things" we put our trust in: music, TV shows, other people, food (literally), work - whatever we can distract ourselves with.

Thinking about the fruit of the Spirit all at once can admittedly be a mouthful. There are some big difficult words that are not easy to tackle individually, let alone among others:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22

In other words, you can't go wrong with these things. Sure, you can make mistakes, but when it all comes back to these traits and God is glorified, we can rest assured that our fruit is ripe.

Last spring, I led a small group for middle school girls at my church. We went through different studies and worked on applying Scripture to our everyday lives. Frankly, I learned a lot from it myself. The fruit of the Spirit kept coming back to me. We broke it down and focused on one "fruit" each week. It's so hard to be loving, joyful, full of peace, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and have self-control at any given time. This summer and spring was no piece of cake for me myself. But looking at how I could take a bite out of these fruit, if only one or a few at a time on occasion, made me realize a mere glimpse of how God intended for our lives to be lived out.

So, this crazy week packed with Homecoming events at school amidst homework and relationships and work-work, I'm going to try to be some of these fruit. And also eat some along the way.

Fruity-ish snacks I enjoy:

1. Snapple peach tea
2. "Phineas and Ferb" fruit snacks
3. Special K strawberries and cream cereal bars
4. Blueberry muffins
5. Chocolate-covered strawberries
6. Peaches and cream oatmeal
7. Grape soda
8. Cranberry Splash Sierra Mist
9. Apple cider
10. Pineapple pizza

I thought it would be lame if I had a list of my favorite actual fruits (which I do actually have. Favorite fruits, I mean.) For real - who does that?